I've told you what I have kept inside of myself for nearly two years now…
Everything depends on you…
Your love…
Your willingness…
Your trust in me.
Which direction will you choose?
~~~
Her large luminescent eyes blinked at him, as she stood there, her body
frozen in shock…
'Fuuko…I love you…'
'Fuuko…I love you…'
'Fuuko…
I
Love
You…'
Surely her mind was playing tricks on her…Perhaps he wasn't even really standing on her doorstep…. She was tired, she told herself, so very tired.
Her stress… it must have caused her to become delusional.
So she did the logical thing…
She reached out to touch him…
And felt cloth.
Wet cloth.
"Fuuko…did you hear me?"
The eyes of a worried Mikagami Tokiya stared at her, concern filtered them with alluring blueness.
His heart had seemed to wonder whether it should continue to slowly beat, forcing blood to travel through his veins, or stop and break into pieces.
She hadn't said anything, she hadn't made any move, except to touch him, as if she was touching a dream.
"Fuuko, I love you."
She closed her eyes, her breathing seemed to be calm and slow, as she felt the reality of everything come into her.
He was here – in front of her – on her doorstep.
And he was telling her what she had always wanted to hear from his mouth enter her eyes like an angel's wonderful voice singing softly to her as leaned against the doorframe.
Everything was almost perfect.
Almost…
Impeding doubts began to crash into her mind.
'What if…' Her rhythmic breathing began to constrict. 'What if…he really doesn't mean it? What if…What if he just wanted to tell me that, just so I wouldn't feel so badly about what happened so long ago…'
She was back to the 'what ifs' again…
They seemed to be her favorite words…
Guilt.
Maybe that was why he had reacted this way towards her, the way he stared at her when she entered the room.
Guilt.
It always had a way with people, to cause them to do what they didn't want to, so their conscious wouldn't be marred.
But… what if he was speaking the truth? What if he really did mean the words that were coming from his mouth?
Nonetheless…. She didn't want to be hurt again… She didn't even want to hear why he had come to her doorstep to proclaim these false words…
Tears began to form in her purple eyes, that Tokiya always loved and missed after these 2 long years while she was away, as she shut out all thoughts of positive ness of this situation, and let all the negatives sink in.
After all, and logic set in, why would he want to love her now? What had made him change his mind in the course of 2 years…? This was what had become of her, what he had done to her pride.
"Toki-ch…Tokiya, I think that you had best go..." she said, watching his eyes grow wide in horror.
She had *never* *ever* called him by his whole first name.
Angry or not, she never dared resort to such a deduction of intimacy.
She watched as his 6'2 frame began to slouch in defeat, and he turned to go as she let out a sigh… And then, suddenly, he turned back around, his eyes burning with fierce determination.
As if he had finally pushed out all the demons of doubt out of his mind.
She gasped at the figure walking his slow tenuous pace towards her, and she did the first thing on her mind.
She tried to slam the door.
But his hand was too quick.
It pushed against the door as it was about to slam into his face.
He dropped the drenched roses on her doormat, and took advantage of her shock by pushing the door back open, and walking in as he took off his soaking coat.
He gently laid it on her kitchen counter, and then turned around to speak to his beloved Fuu-chan…who was still in shock, and standing next to the (still) open door.
Gently, as if not to scare her, he walked slowly to her, and shut the door, taking her hand, and leading her to the couch…He needed to talk to her.
And then, all this demons returned, he didn't know why he was here…
After all, he had promised to himself that he would not go after her…
But he couldn't.
It had been she…all these years… It was she who had kept him from being alone during those awful years in the orphanage.
It had hurt so badly when all the kids had shut him out…but then Fuu-chan had come along and saved him…If it hadn't been for her, who knows what he might have turned out to be—what he might have done to himself—after he left that dreaded place.
There was a story that he had never told her, actually.
How he was attracted to her, after he saw her enter the doors of the orphanage…His gaze had, somehow, been drawn to her presence… She had been so young then…so naive of what was going to happen… Such an angel shouldn't have been left there…and he had known it.
So he promised himself that he would befriend the young girl, and would really be her friend no matter what.
And so he did.
And look at where it led them.
Into a game of heartache and wondrous love, always bestowed to the other's knowledge.
He was still trying to reason out with himself why he was here, as he sat on her couch, the
wetness of his shirt bringing him back to reality.
Tokiya supposed that it was that one it was just one little fact that made him try once more—The fact that he could not live without her.
It was near impossible, but…he wanted to try… to give it one last chance…to see if she would choose him over Raiha.
The odds of it actually happening were so slim…but…
If he could have the chance to grasp at true happiness…
To have the feeling of his Fuu-chan's arms around him…
To feel her lips pressed passionately against his…
He would give up everything in an instant.
Fuuko was nervous…Very nervous.
She didn't want to hear what Tokiya was going to tell her…Probably something like, 'Hey, Fuu-chan, it was a joke! A joke!
'You're a joke, Fuuko.’
'I could never love some one like you…’
'Not when there are so many other women I could have…'
Her self-esteem had not always been this low…as a child, it soared. She was so appy…and then slowly, it began to disintegrate…
Her mother had abandoned her…
She had no friends at the orphanage, besides Tokiya…She had always blamed herself for that.
And the most crushing blow had been when Tokiya had tried to joke about her love for him…
Her love was so pure and blinding…for him…
But he had deteriorated all of her hopes of them being together, by trying to suggest that it was a joke…And she tried to save her pride by agreeing…Sealing her fate by denying to him, what she really felt.
It was ironic this whole situation…He really didn't love her…Well, he did, but not like *that*…The way that she had always wanted him to…. He just wanted to assure her that she would always be his little sister…his imouto…and that his love would never reach beyond that point.
She didn't want to fall into this trap…She wanted him to leave.
Now.
As soon as possible. Just so she wouldn't get hurt.
She looked at their intertwined fingers…His hand was holding onto hers so hard, that it was causing her skin to turn white…To match the ghastly color that her face must be…
"Fuu-chan…"
She looked at him.
"Fuu-chan…I really meant what I said…"
She gave a nervous titter.
"Uh...hai, hai, Toki-chan…I…uh…I love you, too…"
And she watched his eyes light up, as a bright smile began to dawn on his face.
And, taking a deep breath, she sealed her fate.
"…And it's nice to know that I can always depend on you…you know that I never had a brother…and…that's how I feel for you…Just like how…you're offering me your sister-like love…" She offered him a weak smile.
It was better this way.
Then none of them would get hurt…like she had those 2 years ago… And then, perhaps,
they could both move on…
But she had already tried to…
And now she was left, with no more Raiha, and a hopeless dream.
His face fell, and resembled a storm cloud.
He shook his head violently, and let go of her hands…
The warmth was gone…
He kneeled in front of her.
"Damn it, Fuuko…I know what you're doing, and believe me, it's not going to work."
He looked into her eyes. "What happened today?"
He made a gesture to all the tissues lying around.
When she refused to answer, he shook her.
"Fuuko….talk to me! What the hell happened?!"
Her voice a mere whisper... "It's none of your damn business."
His eyes grew large. "Fuu-chan….don't do this to me…to us…why are you closing yourself to me…?"
Her head jerked up.
"'Why,'" she repeated slowly, wanting to laugh at his confusion, "'are you closing yourself to me…'?"
She glared at him, the beautiful orbs that he loved so much, directing so much anger at him.
"What, Toki-chan?" she said in a voice so twisted, that it made him stare in shock. "You don't want me to do to you…what you did to me so many years ago?"
Rage consumed her body, and all the emotions that she had felt, ever since *that* day, spilt out.
She stood up, walking past him, and went to stand across the room, her eyes focusing on the pictures on top of the mantle of the fireplace. And so she began…she began to tell him exactly what was going through her mind.
"You don't want me to ignore you, as you had done?
"You don't want me to not be there for whenever you call for me?
"You don't want me to keep secrets from you, as you did?
"You don't… want me to…to…."
A sob built up in her throat, but she wanted to say it.
She wanted to, so badly… "To forget special days that…that we had made… together?"
That one had been the most painful to say…
She felt strong…invincible, really…And she wanted to say every and any thought that had crossed her mind, ever since he had said that 'she had been joking about her love.'
"No! Damn you, *Toki-chan*” she said sarcastically.
Tokiya flinched.
“Damn it Tokiya, you have no right to come into *my* home and ask me why in damnation am I closing myself away from *you*!! Goodness Tokiya, you out of all people should know!! I mean, it's all *your* fault!"
Her voice was in complete mockery as she continued on, all the pain, all the self-hatred she had placed upon herself had finally built up into this moment.
"You forgot my birthday! Gods, you already know how much I hate that day, but instead you took no care for my reaction and decided that celebrating your anniversary with Aki was more important…”
She made a sour face at him.
“Damn it! Even I know that your anniversary was the week before!! I counted! And when I tried to explain that to you, do you know what you did?! You hung up on me…And I was left to Yanagi, and she tried to comfort me…"
She swiveled her head to turn to him, violet eyes filled with tears.
"But how could she try to comfort a shattered heart? She couldn't…Not when the one that I had wanted was with another."
He wanted to block away from the painful words and fall back into the memories that they shared and never let go.
But he couldn't, his head yelled at him telling him to listen, to listen to every singe word that escaped her lips!
But he couldn't live in the past…He would have to look to his future…
His soul was in agony…He wanted her to stop…He called her name in despair.
"Fuu…Fuu-chan…"
If she heard him, she ignored him, and whirled around, blazing blue eyes, digging into his heart.
"You promised that you would never abandon me … especially on the days like those… You promised me that you'll never abandoned me. But you know what?"
Weakly, he whispered, "What…?"
"You did!"
Bitterness consumed the words that he had taken a step back because it seemed to slap him on the face.
"You did! You abandoned me…Every time you went out with any girl…every time you smiled at some girl and left me to go talk to her…every time you came home late at night, and just walked passed my room, not even bothering to check on me…And most importantly…"
She pronounced each word with decisiveness that she never thought she had…
"Most importantly…when you brushed my love aside…"
She walked close to him…"You asked me if it was a joke!"
She began to chuckle, as he watched, bewildered.
"My emotions, my dedications, my devotion … a joke!"
Tears cluttered her eyes, "You thought my love was a joke to you! Oh…I had dreamed that one day you would finally realize that you loved me…that you would spend the rest of your life with me…"
'Fuu-chan…How long have you been holding onto all of this? How can you remember all of these little details?'
Shock hit him, one hundred fold. 'She was so in love with me, then…'
"Stop… Fuu-chan, stop… please…"
She paid no heed to him, wanting to get everything out, wanted to brush out the storm that brewed within her mind, her heart for so long.
"But then…you crushed my dreams, Tokiya…My hopes…and so I ran away to Paris…To escape you…my feelings for you…"
She couldn't stop…and she knew how much she was hurting him…
A part of her said: 'Good…hurt him…let him know what you went through…'
But her heart said: 'Stop, Fuuko, stop! What are you doing?!'
And so she did.
Wearily, she looked at him.
"Toki-chan…I don't know just why you're here…Do you want to mock me some more? To raise my hopes, and then to let them plummet to the ground…?"
She looked away.
"Go away, Tokiya…Leave…”
She wiped her tears away.
"And…and never come back." Her voice broke at the last sentence.
He glared at her, defiance filling every inch of his body.
"No, no, no…No. I will not leave you. Never. And I'm most certain that I'm never going to let you leave me again."
He walked over to her, and forced her to sit down on the couch…forced her to listen.
"Fuu-chan…I was a fool…and I know that I hurt you… but… I never knew it was this much…" his eyes were cast downward, ashamed to look at her, ashamed to look into her eyes.
"But… you don't understand. You don't understand. After you left, I wasn't sane anymore. I
didn't know how much I depended on you until then! I didn't know what you really meant to me until then!! Aki had came and I broke up with her. I didn't see anyone else after that. I only wanted you. I only wanted you."
He broke down, tears streaming down his face.
"I was alone, for the first time in so long, I was alone. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being alone! I couldn't stand being without you! Everywhere I went you, memories of you memories of us, haunted me. I began to think of how happy we could be if I didn't ignore you, if I only opened my eyes and saw the truth. And goddamn it, Yanagi didn't make me feel any better."
"Yana…?"
Her voice was questioning him as he looked at her, his eyes meeting hers.
"She told me what a fool I was, and how everything was my fault… and it was. Damn it, it was. But soon we became friends after we have gone through all of the pain, all of the emptiness… I
didn't know she was also an orphan."
"You never paid attention to me or my friends."
Her voice was stark and stiff and cold.
"Gomen nasai… I didn't mean to…"
"You were always off, leaving me behind. Always laughing to those girls saying, 'Ohh, she's just a girl I know' and then brushing me off."
She had said in a low tone, "And no matter how much I tried, whatever I did, you never took a look at me. I consoled you after heartbreaks; I took care of you when you were sick. I even cooked and cleaned, but you didn't care, you didn't care…"
"Usa-ko…I'm sorry…Gomen ne…"
He continued to repeat those two words as if they were a chant as she closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
This was what she wanted, five minutes before he had entered and fulfilled them.
This was what she had demanded, where he would love her and beg for forgiveness… And now would be the time to tell him to leave…To let her live the remainder of her lonely life…
Her heart would be forever empty…
Forever lonely…
"I…"
Her voice was barely a whisper, as he looked up at her, his eyes deeply intertwined with hers.
"I…I love you."
Three words.
The world to him.
He embraced her, as tears entered her eyes.
A new beginning, that's what they needed.
A fresh start to mend their hearts.
"I love you." He had said, as he kissed her softly, as she felt tears streaming down her face. "I love you so much, Fuuko."
He placed his lips upon hers as she felt herself relax.
Maybe, this would work.
Her heart fluttered as fast as a butterfly's wings…
And she could feel his heart, beating ever faster than hers.
No, this WAS going to work.
For, if they had survived everything that Destiny had set out for them…
The loneliness…
The heartache…
The tears…
Then most certainly, they could learn to be happy…