If Only You Knew…
by Fuuko-san
25th October 2000
Author’s Note: Sorry for all Neon and Kurei fans but this is strictly a Joker and Neon one. Hey can I help it? I like the two of them together! ^_^ They make a cute pair don’t you think? >=) ::Notices all the glaring eyes of members of the “We luv Kurei the psychotic flame boy + Neon the one and only, devoted to Kurei-sama, evil barbie girl club!”:: ^^ Oi! You have to admit that Neon and Joker go much better together right? Anyway, I’m rambling a bit too much. =P The creator of the characters in this fic is Noboyuki Anzai and definitely not me. ^_~ Too bad huh… Well, I hope you’ll enjoy it! 


I sighed and rested my head onto my palms. It was a cool, slightly windy Saturday morning and the sun was just peeking over the horizon. It was so beautiful. Magnificent mixtures of colours, spreading slowly across the blue gorgeous sky… I absolutely loved watching the sunrise. Hmmph. I smirked and leaned back onto my chair on the balcony of my room at Kurei-han’s mansion. 

This sure is a great way to relax and spend the morning… I was pretty tired of writing all those stories on the computer. Sheesh, they were all too cheesy for words. I sighed again and my thoughts wandered about like the small white bird, which glided with ease across the crystal clear sky. 

I watched its every movement as it flew effortlessly across the sky. My lips twitched into a gently smile and the bird perched lightly right on top of the thick, barked-covered branch of a tree in the garden. 

It strutted proudly towards a nest which had a few baby birds and a mother one. Only then did I notice that the little animal had a number of squiggling earthworms, caught firmly in its tiny mouth. I watched and felt my heart ache as it rubbed its head gently against the mother bird of the family, after feeding the earthworms to its children. Love… wasn’t it? 

I closed my eyes and began to reminiscence my past. 

It had been difficult. Living without a mother… And a father who was never really home during the long lonely weeks of each passing year… Getting bullied by strangers whom I had never seen in my life… Ignored and feared by everyone in school… But still. Everything had changed. I became… a good guy. At least no one ever tried to pick a fight with me again. 

Hiroji… Joker… They were the same person. Me. How I had changed from a weak little kid to becoming a member of the Uruha Jyushinshuu. So many things had happened… Defeating the slime bag Kouran too… 

I sighed and pushed away unsettling thoughts about my slightly turmoiled childhood. There are better things to think about than events that happened at the playground when you were nine, Hiroji… I scolded myself silently. 

I turned my wandering eyes and attention back to the bird I had seen earlier. It seemed to calm my thoughts down a little. I sighed and my sadness flowed out. Even birds could be so happy… So why can’t I be the same? 

Love. Just to be able to be loved by someone. Would be enough. Was that too much to ask for? Perhaps I had already enough fun during my high-school days but that seemed like an entire lifetime ago. So many years had passed and love had never been part of it.   Oh Suzuko… 

I had lost hold of the chance of being loved by someone who truly cared for me. What a fool I had been. 

I smiled to myself. But that was all in the past and it did not matter one bit now. I had found someone else. Someone who could also love me if lady-luck was on my side. Someone who might be able to give me the love, care and comfort which I never really had. Someone who would be there to wake me up early in the morning. Someone to massage my beautiful perfect feet… I grinned evilly. Naahhh… there was no way she would do that… now. But in time she just might. 

She was so beautiful inside and out. Though she usually seemed like a rather cold and heartless woman during battle, she was so different in everyday life. I should know that since we’ve been staying together for almost a few years. She was so caring, especially kind-hearted on the inside, never really showing it since a fighter was not supposed to have any emotions what so ever. Take Kurei-han for example. 

Still, I couldn’t help but feel strongly attracted to her. As I’m sure all the other members of the male specimen would. She was such a beautiful woman, the prettiest one in Japan if you ask me. Her vibrant flame-like hair, rosy smooth cheeks, sweet red lips, petal soft complexion… Even her naturally sweet scent makes me feel rather dizzy. Of course, I hide it well. 

“I am Joker after all. The one and only extremely talented master of the Taishaku Kaiten and fantastic member of the Uruha Jyushinshuu,” My thoughts went out from my mouth. I smirked and placed a hand on my cheek. “It’s such a difficult job for a man of my position and status.” I sighed dramatically. 

Hehe. I guess that was the way I always acted. Confident. It pretty much turned slightly to arrogance though. But hey, if you have got it, flaunt it. 

I could not let anyone see how I really felt. I did not need sympathy. Not from anyone. I could handle the challenges of life by myself. It was definitely easier with someone else though. But still… I never wanted anyone to think that I was someone weak and vulnerable. Someone to mess with… I guess the confidence came in handy there. 

I never showed my true emotions and feelings much. Hidden behind the hood of my cap, was the key to my inner self. Someone who was not really confident at all. Someone in need of a person to comfort and care for. Someone… insecure of himself. There was no way I could show anyone my soul. Except, the one I love. 

My eyes, is the key to my inner self. That is why I always wear my cap wherever I go. The reason why my long, dark fringe covers my amber, flecked eyes… 

I sighed once again. It was becoming an unhealthy habit of mine. Would the person I love, ever fall in love with me? I do not even have a clue. At the moment, it does not seem like it. She probably thinks that I’m just an egotistical, tall man who talks with a weird accent. Someone who was different from everyone else. I sighed and a striking image of the woman I loved entered my mind, which was swirling with thoughts everywhere. 

Oh Neon-han. If only you knew. Just how much I love you. How much I care for you. I would do anything, just to have you in my arms. Just to kiss you good night. I care for you so much. Do you see it? Can you feel it? The ache of not being able to know whether you love me or not, is increasing rapidly every single day, as I fall even deeper into your mysterious trap of the most precious thing in life. Love. 

If you knew how much I wanted you, would you return my feelings? Would you give me all the passion and love that I want and will give you? I wonder, just what your response would be if you knew. 

I keep thinking about you day and night, Neon-han. If you knew that I love you deeply, would you turn away from me, into Kurei-han’s embrace? Would you ignore my feelings towards you, as if they never existed? Would you really let the ache in my heart grow with each passing day, and not let yourself belong to me? Would you, really do that? 

It was getting hotter by the minute. My thoughts grew deeper and I continued to stare at the bird family. The sunshine shot through empty gaps in the dark woody branches of the tree and shone on the birds. They all looked so happy. As a family… Would I, ever feel the same way? 

Oh Neon-han… I smiled gently and closed my eyes, leaning back again onto the surface of the chair, resting peacefully. If only you knew… 

I placed my finger on the inside of the page, and closed the book lightly. I sighed and looked out of the window. I could see a magnificent, lustrous sunrise, clearly from my spot on the bean-bag cushion in Kurei-sama’s library. It was so beautiful… 

Ever since the UBS had ended, and everything was done with that big fat ass Kouran, I never really had the time to sit back and relax in the early morning of the day. It was a nice feeling, being able to read in peace, enjoying the air-conditioned area… A long time had passed since I had even touched the cover of a book. It was about time I started building up my knowledge once again. 

My gaze wandered off to the titles of the numerous books on the shelves of the library. Gardening for Lazy People… How to Catch Mosquitoes Quickly and Efficiently… The Wonders of Marine Life in Antarctica:: if there is any at all::… I sighed and leaned back on the cushion. Things were much more carefree and easy now that all the fighting was over. 

I closed my eyes, resting quietly for a few minutes before opening up my book again and reading from where I stopped. I grinned cheekily. I doubt anyone would know that I love reading romantic stories as a hobby. Raiha-san would probably laugh if I ever mustered up enough courage to tell him. 

Megumi cried her heart out as flashbacks of terror and grief fill her mind, causing her usual mask of impassiveness to break down completely. She wept even harder and louder, her hollow, empty heart aching with pain. 

Yasuaki watched silently and he too, was filled with pain, deep into his heart. Oh Megumi-san… What should I do to comfort her now? Each sob coming from her was like a thousand daggers, stabbing his heart of at once. It hurt so much. Yasuaki closed his eyes in silent debation, before embracing her tightly. 

I could feel tears coming to my eyes. “Aww… this is really not like me at all,” I said out loud, a smile forming on my face. It was so weird just how different I was in the whole deadly tournament. I could cry any moment now. In the UBS, I would not have cared at all who died or lived. Who was sad or happy. It was so strange… I returned to the story, deeply engrossed in the words on each and every line of the page, slowly moving my way down. 

All the beatings she had suffered from… Endless lonely nights, not knowing whether she would ever find a friend who would be by her side always… Dark, dangerous times when crying seemed to be the only way out… It was all coming back to haunt her… Each and every incident from her horrible past was coming back to haunt her. And there was nothing she could do about it. 

Megumi continued to cry. She sobbed desperately, trying to settle her painful, troubling emotions, which were swelling up by the second. What’s happening to me now? She thought miserably and tears continued to roll down her face. Just like beads from a broken necklace. Why is all of this happening to me right now, at this moment? I don’t have anyone to turn to… Her broken-hearted thoughts disappeared slowly as she realized the position she was in. 

“Y-Yasuaki?” A quivering voice broke out from her heart-wrenching cries. Putting a finger to her soft, cherry-red lips, Yasuaki shushed her gently. He placed his arm back at the position it had last been. Smiling reassuringly, his arms, which were enveloped around her, tightened passionately. His head went down slowly. And the two lovers were locked into a romantic, passionate kiss. Megumi’s tears continued to roll down her face. But this time, they were tears of relief and happiness. They kissed again, and Yasuaki’s hands traveled to her waist gently… 

Ohhh man… I sighed dreamily and closed the book, pressing the hard covers to my chest. I could finish it later. Reading the romantic story made me think about other things. Love. 

Megumi and Yasuaki. They had love. They both loved each other dearly. Love seemed to be such a beautiful thing in life. A little ache started to form in my heart. Just what was love, all about? 

My mind transported my thoughts back to the past. My past. 

It had been horrible. Miki, Aki and I. We were just wandering around with absolutely nowhere to go. Nobody wanted us. Nobody even treated us with mutual respect. I do not think anyone even cared for us. What would happen in the future was all up to us. 

Wandering around each solitary, gloomy day, made each minute seem like an eternity. People were so cold towards us. They thought that we were no one important. Just silly little girls who were not worth a thing in the world. I had made up my mind then, that I would show all of the men and women who had caused me much humiliation that I would be strong. None of their snide, cruel remarks mattered to me. 

I sighed and locked my fingers together behind my head, leaning back against the cushion. And then, Kurei-sama came along. He was the one who rescued me from the horrible position I had been in. He had been the only person who had treated us decently human. He was the man who took us all in.  Allowed us to work for him so we would not have to spend our nights on the cold, lonely streets during twilight. It had been such a nice feeling, being accepted by someone. Finally… I would never be able to thank Kurei-sama enough for making sure that we were all well-taken care off each and every single day. I will never ever stop being grateful to Kurei-sama for all that he has done for me. 

But, that had all been in the past. I should not think too much of those things. It had been difficult for all of us but we had lived through it. From someone who had nowhere to go, and no one to turn to, all the way to a member of Kurei-sama’s Uruha Jyushinshuu… had been one of the biggest achievements of my life. Maybe even the best one. I am proud of myself for having been able to go so far. 

Unfortunately, there had always been one thing which I had, missing in my life. Love. 

Kurei-sama did not love me. It took me a long and dreadfully painful time to realize that. He had had a rough life. Now, he could relax and make his own mark in the world. He could find his own girlfriend as well. After all, it was definitely about time he started enjoying life and the wonderful things which come with it. 

Now, I do not mind it one bit. After all, I have already fallen in love with someone else, not Kurei-sama. 

I wonder what it would be like, being able to rely on the one you love. I dream of being able to wake up each morning, his face the first thing I see. Would it be that way? I wonder if he would love and care for me with equal passion and kindness which I have for him as well. I cannot be sure at all. We are always at loggerheads so I really do wonder whether he feels the same way about me. 

The truth was, though I never showed it, I was not the most confident of all Uruha members who were actually supposed to be. I was still a woman after all. I could be worried or scared as much as I want. Just like every other woman in the world. No one knew that I was this kind of person deep down inside. I do not think anyone can tell anyway. The only person I would ever reveal these trapped up feelings of mine to, would be the one I love. I sighed once again. 

I walked towards the gleaming large window, which was slightly covered up at the sides by lightly coloured, sky blue curtains with a tint of sea green. After a moment of gazing out of the window, I spotted my latest conquest and true love. Sitting outside on the balcony of  his room. 

He had an incredibly ridiculous look on his face. The look he always got when he was daydreaming about someone none other than himself. I sighed and smiled at the scene. Though he was rather childish and irritating at times, I could still see the good points of him. 

He no doubt had a good heart. After all, he had saved Menou from danger once in the UBS. Besides, he always made me laugh. Of course, I never gave him the satisfaction of letting him know that he had humored me slightly.  He always teases me about liking Kurei-sama so much. Hmmph. Making up all those scenarios about himself and me together. Little does he know that some of his fantasies are actually true. 

Oh Joker-san. If only you knew. Just how much I love you. Did you ever realize, that my heart beats so much faster when I’m near you? If you knew how much I care for you, would you, love me the same way I love you? I wonder what your reaction would be, if I opened my heart and poured out my true feelings to you. Would you accept it, and return my love? Or would you walk away from me, not caring for a second what I think or how I feel? 

I peaked out of the window again. But surprisingly, he was not there, dreaming and focusing on his every habit. I sighed and turned back to the cushion. 

What would you do, Joker, if you knew my feelings for you were true… Would you take me in your arms, and kiss me just like I would for you? 

“Neon-han! It’s time for breakfast! Where are you, anyway?” Just hearing Joker-san’s voice lights up my day. I guess only time can tell. I will just have to see what happens to us in the future. But whatever happens, I know it will be good. If only you knew, Joker. If only you knew. 

Owari ^_^

So! Do you think Joker and Neon were getting a little too romantic there? Was the story of Megumi and Yasuaki a little too gross or maybe downright boring? Find it hard to believe that Neon-han and Joker-san together would work out alright? Maybe you think that this fic was a little too stupid for words or maybe by chance you think it was great? >=) Perhaps you feel that Neon would never think this way about Joker-boy, eh? Well, then just e-mail me for comments! =)