OK, here’s another lame attempt by me to make a songfic, which is Neon-Kurei this time, though only Neon’s thoughts are featured.  By the way, I’ve got to apologize for my other songfic, My Will, which had some mistakes in the lyrics.  Sorry!  Also, I have decided to do a sequel for Tokiya’s First Love, but that will be when the FoR manga is over.  In the meantime, I should be putting up other stuff such as this.  Anyway, this song is I am… by Ayumi Hamasaki, and though I could not find the MIDI for this song, it’s a really nice song.  The lyrics and translations are placed in 2 columns like my other songfic, and please read my songfic and send me your comments.  Thanks!!!!

PS. Red=English translation, Orange= Jap lyrics
Also, this  happens after Kurei left Neon in the hospital in manga volume 17

~~~~

Listen closely                                                            chanto kiitete
because I'll keep screaming until you understand:  tsutawaru made sakebitsudzukete miru kara
I've been here, here, here forever.                          watashi ha zutto koko ni koko ni koko ni iru no

Neon is in the hospital, thinking of Kurei, while her mind is in a whirl, confused and depressed at how he suddenly left her, how he could not be with her and she breaks down. She has always been silently sacrificing everything for Kurei, yet, she is still stuck in the same position, and no matter what she does, she can only stay where she is and not get close to him. She silently screams for Kurei in her mind, screaming out her agony, wishing that Kurei would understand.

What is at the end of these half-tiresome           toki ni owarete nakaba muriyari na
days that are chased by time?                            hibi no saki ni ha nani ga arimasu ka
As I'm rushing through life, is my naked face     konna watashi no ikiisogu sugao
funny to you? Go ahead and laugh.                   kokkei desu ka? waratte yo

Neon wonders what the outcome of her efforts will be. She has helped Kurei, doing her more than she can withstand, rushing through time, trying her best, and though worn-out, everything is in vain. She had rushed through life for Kurei, unable to lead the normal, peaceful life of a young woman. Yet, during the Urabutousatsoujin, Kurei had said that he didn’t need friends and all that talk about loyalty, companionship, and friends, was just crap, which had hurt her a lot. Was all that she sacrificed worthless and funny to him?  She did not mind him laughing, although it broke her heart so.

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name  kono me mitsumete watashi no namae wo yonde mite hoshii no
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.        kono te nigitte daijoubu datte unazuite hoshii no
Help me; if you don't I don't think I can make it.         kono se wo oshite janakyaarukitsudzukeraresou ni nai no
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.  uso nara semete honto no uso saigo made tsukitooshite

Neon thinks of how she has always wanted to be with Kurei, to have him love her, which was an impossible dream. She has wanted, yet never dared to hope that Kurei would accept her, helping her, standing by her, supporting and encouraging her, to be her pillar of support in times of need, as she needed him a lot, and her only reason for withstanding so much was for Kurei.  When Kurei had returned her feelings before leaving her, she was filled with joy. Yet, he had left her, and Neon had wondered whether it all was a lie. If only he had kept the lie going, she would not be so depressed, yet, he had to leave.

I entrust my body to the trap of time.      toki no sugiyuku wana ni mi wo yudane
Where will I wash ashore?                    nagaretsuku no ha donna basho desu ka?
Despite my faults, will I be forgiven?    mujun darake no konna watashi demo yurusaremasu ka?
Please tell me.                                       oshiete yo

Neon has been racing through and against time, moving deeper and deeper into the trap of time, letting her life fly past her, not sure of when she will be released and where. She wonders that despite her faults, would Kurei still accept her or shun her. She really wanted to know and hear Kurei tell that to her.

Please understand,                              douka wakatte
that's not what I'm saying.                   sonna koto wo itte iru n janai no
Please notice,                                      douka kidzuite
this isn't what I want.                          konna mono ga hoshii wake janai no
Please let me go,                                douka hanashite
I don't want to go there.                     sonna toko he ikitai wake janai no
I've been looking for just one word.    watashi ha zutto tatta hitotsu no kotoba wo sagashite iru

Neon wants Kurei to understand that what she is saying comes straight from her heart and are not lies, fake, or words of self-consolation.  She wants him to notice that what she wants is not power, wealth, status, or ranking, but just to be with him, to help and serve him even if she doesn’t love her. Yet, she is contradictory, also thinking that maybe it was best for Kurei to let her go, or she would suffer more pain. All along, she had been searching for just one word, ‘aishiteru’ (in Japanese, it means ‘I love you’).

I want you to stare into my eyes and say my name kono me mitsumete watashi no namae wo yonde mite hoshii no
I want you to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok.        kono te nigitte daijoubu datte unazuite hoshii no
Help me; if you don't I don't think I can make it.         kono se wo oshite janakya arukitsudzukeraresou ni nai no
If this is a lie, then at least keep the lie going to the end.  uso nara semete honto no uso saigo made tsukitooshite

Neon is wishing so much that Kurei was with her now, returning her feelings, staring into her eyes, repeating her name, holding her hand, telling her that everything is alright. She knows that none of this is possible, other than everything being alright, which could only happen if Mori Kouran was defeated.Thus, she decides to go and help Kurei. She knows she couldn’t have dared or wanted to do battle again if not for how much she loved Kurei.  It was Kurei who spurred her on. Even if everything, which he said or did nice to her, was a lie, she still wanted to believe in the lie till the very end.

Please understand,                               douka wakatte
that's not what I'm saying.                  sonna koto wo itte iru n janai no
Please notice,                                      douka kidzuite
this isn't what I want.                          konna mono ga hoshii wake janai no
Please let me go,                                douka hanashite
I don't want to go there.                     sonna toko he ikitai wake janai no
I've been looking for just one word.    watashi ha zutto tatta hitotsu no kotoba wo sagashite iru

Neon really hopes that Kurei would understand what she really wants, what she is saying. She has been searching or that one word, which she is sure she will never hear. Yet, because of her love for Kurei, she carries on, and makes her way to the final battle place to help Kurei defeat Mori Kouran.
~~~

So, how is it?  I know it’s very lousy, but please bear with me and do send in your comments.  (By the way, I am… is a really great song so I suggest that you go find the MIDI or Mp3, that way you not only get to listen to the song, hearing the tune will help you better understand the songfic.  Even better, buy Ayumi’s album!!!! Yeah… I know I’m mad…)