Frogs Are Not Meant To Be Kissed
By Jejearmarni

This is the result of having *way* too much free time. Be nice, it's me first fanfic. (And probably my last too.) Warning: Some characters are out of character, for convenience sake.
Narrator: Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a happy and prosperous kingdom. In this happy and prosperous kingdom lived happy and prosperous people. They were ruled by a happy, prosperous and wise king, and a happy, prosperous and beautiful queen, and their son, a handsome prince named Tokiya.
[Tokiya, in a prince get up, is shoved into view. He gives death stares to the snickering people, now behind the scenes, who placed him there.]
Narrator: Prince Tokiya was the very definition of "handsome."
[Tokiya holds up a dictionary]
Narrator: His lanky body was matched with long, slivery hair that flowed like the rivers. His eyes, they shone like the stars in the sky and rivaled the sparkling gems on his crown. He was so handsome, so handsome that the whole kingdom, be it man, woman or child, was deeply in lust with him. Unfortunately, Prince Tokiya was not only the handsomest man in the kingdom, but also the meanest. He rarely spoke or smiled or blinked or breathed, and he had a rather bad habit of chasing man with ear holes shouting "MIFUYU" at them and swinging his royal ensui.
Tokiya: I feel insulted…
Narrator: If he ever showed signs of noticing people, it was either to snap at them…
Servant: Your highness, dinner is served.
Prince: Get lost, I'm admiring myself.
Narrator: …or simply ignored them.
School Master: Your highness, please give me the answer of 1368.656 times 5454.3 dived by the square root of 365889 added to the sum of 4338.84 times 3425 and 55115.545 dived by the cosine of 6578796 degree over the multiple tangent of 546 divided by 5654. Mental calculations please.
Prince: …
Narrator: So maybe he didn't have much of a choice. One day, Prince Tokiya was doing his favorite thing, which was glaring at anything that breathed. Sitting in the royal garden, there were not many targets except an occasional bird or servant passing by. He was attempting to fry an unsuspecting fish with his glare when a servant arrived with a message of him.
[Tokiya turns and looks at the servant, who happens to be Recca]
Recca: His and her royal Majesty request your presence in the royal courtroom at once, for they have to discuss a matter of importance with you.
[Tokiya and Recca walk to the courtroom. Raiha is seated on the throne with Fuuko next to him.]
King: Oh, niceee….
Queen: erm… what are we doing here?
King: I don't care just as long as you are with me.
Queen: [blushes]
Prince: *ahem* You wanted to see me?
King: Yes, yes. Son, I have called upon your presence as we have to discuss a matter of importance with you.
Prince: I know.
King: I know you know. Now keep quiet and let me finish. You have come of age to marry, so your mother and I want you to meet someone very special. This special someone is Princess Yanagi, and we're hopping you two will get married.
[Yanagi enters the scene wearing a very horrendous dress]
Princess/Sorceress in disguise: But the one I love is Recca! And what am I doing here?
Narrator: The moment the Princess enter the courtroom, the Prince, with his famous death glare, starting lashing insults at her.
Prince: You have too much make-up on and that hair! Who's your hair stylist… and that dress… that dress has got to go. Am I suppose to marry *that*?
Narrator: Little did Prince Tokiya know that the princess was also a powerful sorceress, and he shouldn't have pissed her off.
Narrator: What do you know? Our dear little Princess Yanagi is a follower of fashion. The looks that Prince Tokiya was getting from her were enough to put hell to shame.
Princess/Sorceress in disguise: You shall PAY!!!
Narrator: At that, sparks start flying from her fingers and a lighting blot hits Prince Tokiya full force. As the smoke from the impact clears, it reveals that standing in once where Prince Tokiya stood was, lo and behold, a…
King & Queen: Frog?!
Frog/Prince Tokiya: Ribbit…
Princess/Sorceress in disguise: Yes, a warty, green, bad-tempered frog! What did you expect, a bunny wabbit?
Narrator: The sorceress told the warty, green frog, who was really Prince Tokiya, that if he ever wanted to become human again, he was going to have to find a princess that would fall in love with him. And if the princess kissed him, the spell would be broken.
Princess/Sorceress in disguise: [smirking evilly] Good luck with *that* one. Well, I'm off now, Paris just released a whole new line of summer wear! Cheerios!
[Yanagi stalks off, leaving the whole courtroom in shock. Fuuko recovers first.]
Queen: A frog? I have a frog for a son? Oh honey, where did we go wrong? *Boo hoo hoo*
King: [patting Fuuko's shoulder] It's not your fault, don't cry. What we need to do is send our son on his way to find a princess to kiss him.
Narrator: With that, the king sent for Prince Tokiya long-suffering servant, Recca.
Recca: Me? Mikagami's servant? You got to be kidding.
Narrator: No, I'm not, now get in there.
[Recca enters, sees a frog wearing a little crown with a name tag that reads "Prince Tokiya" and falls over laughing]
King: You are to help the Prince find a princess to kiss him so that he can become human again.
Recca: Yeah right, good luck with *that* one.
Frog: Shut up, peasant. Just do as you are told.
King: And before you leave… [Holds up a American Express card and has this really cheesy grin plasted on his face] don't forget to take your American Express credit card, don't leave home without it.
Courtroom: …
King: Come my queen, let's go somewhere where we can be all alone…
Queen: [blushing like crazy]
[Raiha and Fuuko exit, leaving Recca and the frog alone.]
Recca: Great, now I'm stuck with you.
Frog: Shut up, or I'll have your head.
Recca: You can't do anything to me right now, you’re a frog for crying out loud.
Frog: [Gritting his teeth, if frogs have any] You better shut up or else…
Recca: Or else what? What are you going to do, croak at me? HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Frog: Why you…! [Hops on to Recca and covers his eyes]
Recca: Hey! Who turned the lights out?
Narrator: Stop it, you two nincompoops! Get on with the story!
Recca: That's your job.
Narrator: Oh, yeah. Right. So after a little session that was a total waste of time, the frog and his servant set out in search of a princess. But where could they start looking? Who could possibly be willing to see through the froggy, warty, greenish exterior of Prince Tokiya and help him become human again?
[Recca and the frog are trudging along a small dirt path]
Narrator: They hadn't gotten far from the city when…
Frog: I need to pee.
Recca: You *what*?
Frog: I said 'I need to pee'.
Recca: No, no, I heard right the first time. Just why are you telling me?
Frog: So you can bring me somewhere where no one will see me pee. I'm too tired to hop.
Recca: [looks up and down the deserted road.] There's no one around, and besides, no one cares about looking at a frog pee.
Frog: Silence, peasant, just do as you are told or I'll have your head when I become human again!
Recca: [Muttering] *If* you become human again.
Frog: Come again?
Recca: Nothing.
Narrator: Prince Tokiya's loyal servant then did his bidding and brought him to a nearby bush. Upon placing the frog down, he (the frog) immediately started screaming.
Recca: What, what?!
Frog: Pick me up at once!
Recca: Why?
Frog: Because you placed us in quicksand that's why!
Narrator: Indeed, he had.
[Recca is knee deep in quicksand and struggling to get out. The frog sits on his head.]
Frog: Wait a second, there is no quicksand in England.
Narrator: You're not in England.
Frog: Then where are we? There are no castles in Japan!
Narrator: Osaka castle?
Frog: This is stupid…
Narrator: Don't argue facts with me, boy. I'm on a roll here. Let's continue with the story. As the pair sank deeper and deeper into the quicksand, their cries of help went unheard. What is to happen to our heroes?
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a little village west of where our two heroes are stranded lived Princess Domon. Now when we say "princess," we mean a prissy, spoiled rotten, tantrum-throwing, unbelievably idiotic young man--
Domon: HEY!!!
Narrator: *ahem* So Domon was a princess, and quite ugly one at that.
[Domon dressed in Yanagi's horrendous Paris original dress]
Domon: Cool dress! But why am I wearing it? What am I doing here?
Narrator: I am paying you to act in my play because you're the only one dumb enough for the part.
Domon: Huh?
Narrator: *sigh* You acting, me paying. You savvy?
Domon: Okay…
Narrator: He lived in a cottage just outside the village with his mother and father and younger brother. They were poor people, since no one would hire Domon because he scared customers with his em… looks.
Neon: Maybe you can work as a horror house, you know…
Domon: [Sad face]
Kurei: Honey, which dustbin did you pick this child up from?!
[Domon starts crying]
Koganei: Father, look what you've done! It's alright bro, I'll take care of you.
Narrator: One day, Princess Domon and his brother were playing with butterflies in the woods when they heard cries for help.
Recca & Frog: Help, help! [Sees Domon] Whoa ugly!
Koganei: Whoa, talking frog! [Turns to Recca] Cool trick!
Frog: It's not a trick, you moron! I’m a prince who was bewitched by an evil sorceress! Now help us out of here!
Koganei: That's your department Domon.
Princess: Okay.
[Domon uproots a tree and extends it to Recca and the frog]
Princess: Hang on, oops…
[Tree trunk crashes on top of Recca and beans the frog squarely in the head.]
Frog: X.x
Narrator: After successfully pulling Recca and the frog out, Princess Domon and Koganei brings them back to their cottage.
[Recca is sitting on a stool with the half dead frog in his hands. Domon is bustling about making tea while Koganei, Kurei and Neon sit as far away as possible.]
Koganei: What are we doing here?
Neon: You know, I’m getting really sick of that question.
Kurei: Shut up, you two. Remember, we need the money.
Narrator: For what?
Kurei: That’s none of your business. Now get on with the stupid story so we can get out of here.
Narrator: Oh, touchy aren’t we?
Kurei: [Death glare, if looks could kill @.@]
Narrator: *Heehee* Okay, okay… So Recca introduced himself and Prince Tokiya and told the family Prince Tokiya’s sad tale, but not that anyone believed him anyway.
Father: We are sorry for the inconvenience that our son… um… daughter… um… is he a transsexual?
Narrator: NO! He remains a guy, it’s just a title! Use the word ‘child’.
Father: As our child sent Mr. frog halfway to west heaven here, let us make up to you by providing you lodgings for the night.
Recca: That would be great! No inn would take us in thanks to froggy here.
Frog: Watch it, peasant!
Koganei: Hold on! That frog can’t stay here!
Mother: And why not?
Koganei: [whimpering] Because frogs… frogs give me… NIGHTMARES!!!!! [Runs out of the room screaming.]
Everyone: [facefaults]
Narrator: The night went by uneventful, besides the fact the Koganei kept screaming something about frogs every five seconds. Other than that, the night went by uneventful. The next morning, Recca and the Prince prepare to leave.
[Koganei, Kurei and Neon are standing at the doorway waving good bye. Domon is nowhere to be seen.]
Koganei: [calls upstairs] Yo Princess, get your butt down here!
[Domon comes in looking irritated]
Princess: I was putting on my morning make-up, I got a job interview at the horror house.
Recca & Frog: He’s a princess?!
Koganei: Well, yeah… sort of.
Recca: Hey, maybe he could---
Frog: Are you crazy, peasant? I not going to be kissed by a princess whose looks are enough to rival all the ugly witches in the land!
Everyone: Huh?
Frog: Never mind…
[Domon starts to cry.]
Koganei: Awww… you’ve gone and hurt his feelings. Now he’ll never be a bride.
[Domon gives a little kick that incidentally sends Koganei flying through the roof]
Princess: Oops…
Recca: [turn to Kurei and Neon] Thank you for your hostility.
Frog: It’s hospitality.
Recca: That’s what I said, hostility.
Frog: *sigh* Never mind…
Narrator: So, Prince Tokiya and his faithful servant Recca left the home of Princess Domon, determined to find a more suitable candidate to break Prince Tokiya's spell.
Recca: We're never gonna find one.
Frog: Silence, peasant.
Recca: We better move faster, it might take years to find you a princess.
Frog: Years? Years you say? I'll have you know that by the next full moon I’ll have my princess, mark my words!
Narrator: Eight years later…
Recca: It’s been eight years…
Frog: Silence, peasant.
Narrator: After eight long years, Prince Tokiya still couldn't find anyone to lift his curse. Everyone was either frightened off by his looks...
Kagerou: EEEEEEWWWW……!!! A warty, greenish frog!!! [Runs and hides]
Narrator: .... or by his attitude.
Mikoto: Awww…, what a cute little froggie.
Frog: I am not a 'froggie,' you wench! You are too dumb (and not to mention ugly) to kiss me!!!
Narrator: Prince Tokiya became depressed, because he began to think that people didn't like him because he was a meanie.
Recca: Wow, a revelation! And it only took you eight years to do it!
Frog: Shut up.
Narrator: Recca, Prince Tokiya's faithful servant, became bitter and nearly as mean as Prince Tokiya because no one would marry the servant of a talking frog.
Recca: Why don't we just give up, huh? Maybe we could find a sideshow or a restaurant that would take you or something...
Frog: We cannot give up, Recca! There has to be *someone* out there besides me who could love me. Someone who is sweet enough to forget I'm a frog.
Recca: Or dumb enough....
Narrator: After crossing from one side of the planet to the other, Prince Tokiya and Recca wandered towards home, abandoning all hope. On their way, they passed the cottage that seemed very familiar.
Recca: Crap. We've been walking in circles.
Narrator: Upon coming closer to the cottage, Prince Tokiya recognized it as the cottage of Princess Domon, the boy with the looks of a monster that they met eight years ago.
Frog: I wonder if they would give us someplace to stay for the night.
Narrator: So Recca and Prince Tokiya knocked on the door of Princess Domon's home. It was opened by the boy Domon, who stared at the two travelers in shock.
[Domon standing at the door in normal cloths. Here, meaning shirt and pants and not some horrendous dress]
Ken: Whoa, you're still a frog!
Frog: …
Recca: You look… normal.
Narrator: Indeed, it was true. Princess Domon was given average looks by a passing sorceress named Yanagi who gave him enough make up to last him this lifetime and the next in exchange for his dress.
[Recca, Domon and the frog are sitting at a table inside the house.]
Recca: So, what’s up?
Princess: Um… the ceiling?
Frog: He means how have you been doing.
Princess: Oh, I’m fine… How have you been?
Narrator: Prince Tokiya and Recca related their sad story to Princess Domon, who began to fidget five seconds into the tale because he was bored and hyperactive and not very good at listening to others. Prince Tokiya, who may have gotten over his bad attitude, still loved to hear himself talk and chattered on far into the night.
[Recca and Domon are asleep, sprawled all over the table, while the frog sits on the table and talks]
Narrator: The next morning, Prince Tokiya and Recca got ready to return to Prince Tokiya's kingdom.
Princess: Hey, why don't you guys stay here for a while?
Recca: We really don’t want to intrude.
Narrator: In the end, Princess Domon managed to convinced the two to remain at his home for a while longer, in order to keep him company. You see, in the eight years since they'd last seen Princess Domon, his parents had run off, leaving him and his younger brother to fend for themselves. Then, his younger brother joined a group of gangsters and moved out. This left Princess Domon all alone and he was not too happy about it.
Domon: They left me to do *everything* myself! I don't know how to cook, or clean, or anything like that...
[Recca looks around the room, and it's a disaster area, code red. He shifts a pile of ....something... away from himself with his foot]
Recca: Obviously...
Narrator: On the fourth day of their stay, Prince Tokiya, knowing that he would eventually have to return home in defeat and humiliation, had an idea.
Frog: Um... Princess Domon... could you... I mean... would you mind.... um…  if it's not too much trouble....
Princess: Say what?
Recca: [looking really vexed] Froggy here was wondering if you would kiss him and break the spell on him.
Frog: You see, I need a princess to kiss me, and you are, sort of, a princess, right? So would you?
Princess: Okay, you lost me...
Recca & Frog: ...
Recca: Well, no one ever said you had to be kissed by the *brightest* princess around...
Narrator: Prince Tokiya and Recca explained to Princess Domon all the troubles Prince Tokiya and him had gone through all those eight years, starting at the beginning in case the princess had forgot anything. When they finished, Princess Domon thought long and hard about their request.
Princess: So I just have to kiss you, huh? I suppose I could....
Narrator: Princess Domon agreed to kiss Prince Tokiya, thus allowing him to return to human form.
[Domon picks up the frog and turns it over and over, scanning its body thoroughly]
Frog: Wh-what are you doing?!?!
Princess: I'm trying to find the spot with the least warts.
[Upon finding a suitable spot to kiss the frog, Domon kisses it quickly and then makes a face]
Princess: I think I'm going to be sick.... [Turns green and runs off]
[Recca picks up the frog and turns it over and over]
Recca: Hey, he kissed you, right?
Frog: [blushes] Well, yes. Yes he did.
Recca: I thought you were supposed to change back!
Narrator: Oh the horror! Even though Prince Tokiya *finally* found someone to kiss him, his spell remained unbroken! Why? Because he had forgotten the conditions the sorceress had given him.
[Yanagi pops out of no where]
Princess/Soceress in disguise: Stupid prince, you have to have the princess fall in love with you! Otherwise the kiss won't work!
[Yanagi laughs hysterically and vanishes]
Recca: Wow, I didn't know Yanagi could do that....
Narrator: *ahem* Yes, it was true. Prince Tokiya had to find a princess to fall in love with him for his spell to be broken.
Princess: I can't fall in love with a frog... that's insane!!!
Frog: I'm not a frog, you idiot! I'm a prince!
Recca: We're goners…
Recca: Let's go, your highness… The castle is not far off from here. I just don't know what we're going to tell your parents, though. I hope they realize that all this is not my fault and that I should be knighted for even putting up with all this....
Frog: I am *not* going anywhere! This princess is my last chance and I *will* make him love me.
Narrator: And so, Prince Tokiya set out to win Princess Domon's heart. He brought him breakfast in bed,
[The frog drags a tray up the stairs and hops on to Domon's bed. Domon rolls over in his sleep and nearly squashes it]
Narrator: got the groceries,
[The frog sits outside on a rock, perfectly still. Just then, a fly happens to pass by. It catches the insect with its tongue and then hops inside, where Recca and Domon are playing happy family at the kitchen counter]
Frog: I caught dinner.
[Recca and Domon turn a delightful shade of matching green and just nod.]
Narrator: sang to him,
[The frog sits on a rock with a mini guitar in his hands. He faces skyward, where Domon is standing on a balcony]
Frog: Winkle… ribbit… winkle ribbit star… how I… ribbit… wonder… ribbit…
[Domon using broccoli as ear plugs since earplugs weren't invented then.]
Narrator: and read to him.
[The frog (complete with little horn-rimmed glasses) sits on the couch with Domon and reads a book aloud]
Frog: 'I will not hop here, I will not hop there, I will not hop anywhere! And to all those that commend, let them be damned, for Prince charming I am!'
Princess: [Claps] Bravo! That's one of my favorite parts!
[In the background, Recca rolls his eyes and looks like he's ready to throw himself out the window.]
Narrator: Time passed, and Prince Tokiya found that he no longer thought of himself as a prince or a frog, or anything else but as just a man who was happy. He found himself deeply in love with Princess Domon, who in return, considered Prince Tokiya to be a kind and wonderful friend.
Recca: If I weren't a stronger person, I would have killed myself by now...
Narrator: But one day, while walking with his beloved, Prince Tokiya gets rolled over by a passing soccer ball.
Princess: Ohmygosh Tokiya!!!
Frog: X.x
Soccer boy: Hey, big guy, could you throw over the soccer ball?
Narrator: In his fit of anger, Princess Domon throws the ball really hard.
[The ball busts into flames hitting the boy squarely in the stomach and sends him flying in to a tree, which promptly falls over.]
Princess: Oops…
Narrator: Horribly upset, Princess Domon scooped Prince Tokiya up in his hands and ran home, arriving in a amazingly new record time, having tripped only four times on the way there.
Princess: Recca! Help!!! Tokiya got run over by a soccer ball!
Recca: Soccer ball?
Princess: Well, he is a frog, isn't he…
Recca: Okay, his body's flat, but where did this bump on his head come from?
Ken: ...
Narrator: The two boys did all they could to save Prince Tokiya, but without any knowledge about amphibians...
Princess: I can't even *spell* amphibian....
Recca: You can't even spell your name.
Princess: Shut up!
Recca: Maybe we could use ethylenediaminetetraacetic…
Narrator: *ahem*.... without any knowledge about amphibians, all they could do was expect the worst.
Frog: Domon, I want to tell you something.
Princess: Tokiya, please don't talk...
Frog: No, I want to thank you. I don't die regretting that I'm a frog. In fact, I'm kind of glad I became a frog, because then I got to meet you. I love you, Domon.
[Domon starts to cry.]
Princess: I love you too, Tokiya.
[He gives the frog a little hug and then pats it on the head]
Frog, Recca & Narrator: ...
Princess: What?!
Recca: Why don't you give him a kiss?
Domon: Why? He's already dead…
[Recca grabs the back of Domon's head and forces his lips upon the dying froggy's body.]
Princes: *Gross*! I kissed a dead, warty thing!
Recca: Gosh, you *are* an idiot...
[The frog's body begins to glow and suddenly, poof! When the smoke clears, Tokiya is sitting on the kitchen counter, human again and very much alive.]
Prince: Domon, you broke the spell! [Hugs Domon, oblivious to the fact that he's strangling the boy]
Princess: [Nosebleeds]
Narrator: And so, Prince Tokiya's spell was broken, thanks to Princess Domon's, um, generous nature. Prince Tokiya asked Princess Domon to marry him, and they lived happily ever after.
Recca: And now all we have to do is go home and tell your parents that you're gay.
Prince & Princess: [Facefault]


Writer: Me
Director: Me
Producer: Oh golly, I do believe it's me again!
Disturber/health monitor: Mother
"You've been on for nearly 2 hours! Now rest your eyes!"
"I'm nearly done!"
[Me at the window looking at greenery in an instant]
Encourager: Kayla
"You like this idea, right?"
"Woof, woof"
"You like the story line, right?"
"Woof, woof"
"You like the person who wrote it, right?"
"Woof, wo---"
[Unable to continue due to lack of oxygen from my killer hug.]
Credits: This person called Haruka wrote a fanfic for another anime in this manner. (Narrator, [scenes in brackets])

Questions Answered
1. There is no possible answer to the question set by the school master. Well, there was a possible answer until the multiple tangent part. There is no such thing as a multiple tangent as I made it up. It was to make the question sound… chim… you know, complicated.
2. About the fact of no quicksand in England, I have no idea whether it is true or not. I think they call it marshlands there. I dunno! Man, this is a fanfic. A fanFIC. Everything (nearly) is friction!
3. Lastly, there is such a thing as ethylenediaminetetraacetic. I didn't make it up. It's an antidote for poisoning of metals.

I can't believe I did a fanfic with one of the main characters as Domon. I hate him and think he is a big pervert but I guess he is the only one dumb enough to fulfill that role. Even Recca is not that dumb. I did a mental IQ test for both of them in my mind and Recca beat Domon by a whopping 0.25 with a score of "-180.5". That still shows he's smarter. I wanted Koganei to be Tokiya's servant, but then, that means Recca would have to be Domon's brother, and Domon's brother is suppose to be much smarter than Domon. Joker came into mind but than, where was I to put Recca? Even though I also don't really like him all that much, he's still the main character of the series, so let's give him some face shall we? So with all these freaking complications, I decided to… stick to the original!!! :oP Besides, my brain was getting tired because at did all this thinking at 11.05 p.m. in bed. If you read all that and understood, give yourself a pat and a oreo cookie, cos I don't know half of what I'm talking about so no oreo cookie for me. * Boo hoo hoo*
Anyway, Thanks for reading my fanfic! Cheerios!