Demi, Mouse girl of UBS: Welcome everyone! Welcome to the Urabatousatsujin! I’m Demi, your hostess with the mostess-
Koto, cat girl of Ankoku Bujutsukai: Ex-CUSE me! I’m THE hostess for this tournament, Koto. Please pay no attention to the squeakings of a mouse. And this is the Ankoku Bujutsukai!
Demi: ( huffy ) No it isn’t!
Koto: Can you prove it?
Demi: It says so right here! ( brings out script and points triumphantly with her finger ) See! There! And huh-? ( starts rereading script more closely ) It says here…
Koto: ( also reading closely ) that this is the UBS Bujutsukai…
Both blink disbelievingly about two times before grinning at the same time and grabbing their announcer’s microphones.
Koto: All right then!
Demi: I don’t know WHAT’s going on, but as long as we get paid for doing our jobs…
Koto: Welcome everyone…
Demi: to the most awaited fight of the century…
Koto & Demi: The UBS Bujutsukai!
Koto ( mumbling out loud ) : Why cant it be the Ankoku Urabatosatsujin?
Demi: For this tournament, contestants will be fighting each other simultaneously. And so what say we introduce the combatants?
Koto : For the first round, we have the first obvious contestants, Recca and Yusuuke!
Yusuuke: Well. well. If it isn’t the main guy of another action series who just happens to be a copycat of ME.
Recca: Whatever. You’re nothing but a washed up has- been. I’M the new hottie of the action series genre!
Yusuke ( bright blue aura ) : Hgrrr…
Recca( orange red aura ) : Grrr….
Demi: Next we have the main character’s love interests up for the fight, Yanagi and Keiko!
Koto: Here they are to duke it out on whose man is better!
Yanagi: Uhm… ( bows to Keiko ) Heh… Hello Miss Keiko. Um.. I’m very pleased to meet you…
Keiko: Oh! Hello Miss Yanagi! I’m very pleased to meet you as well ( bows )
Yanagi ( sweatdrop;sheepish grin) : ….
Keiko ( sweatdrop; sheepish grin ) : .…
Demi ( sighs at how unexciting the Yanagi Vs. Keiko match will be. But perks up as camera focuses on her ) : And here we have the two comedy relief’s of the series -
Koto: May we introduce…
Demi: Domon Ishijima and Kazuma Kuwabara!
Kuwabara ( arms folded across chest, arrogant smirk ) : Hello pineapple – haired moron .
Domon ( arms also folded across chest and with a replica of Kuwabara’s smirk ) : Hello cauliflower – hair styled freak.
Koto: Then here’s-
Fuuko: Outta my way! ( shoves Koto and Koto falls to floor )
Koto: Hey! That wasn’t very nice! ( to Demi ) Are all female characters THIS rude in the FOR world??
Demi ( stifling giggle at seeing Koto ) : Oh no! It’s just that - AiiiieEEEE! ( jumps five feet high in air )
Shizuru, Kuwabara’s elder sis ( gets rid of lighted cigarette used to burn a small hole into Demi’s outfit ) : You were in MY way.
Fuuko : ( glare )
Shizuru: ( glare )
Koto( Rubbing brusied elbows ): anyway, we should get on to the other combatants…
Demi ( rubbing butt area where hole was burned through ) : Right. Ahem. May we introduce now…
Koto: The two bishonens of the series..
Demi & Koto : Kurama and Mikagami!
Kurama : ( polite smile at Mikagami’s direction )
Mikagami: ( stoic glance at Kurama )
Koto: And the last two contestants are Hiei Versus…
Demi: Kaoru Koganei of the Hokage Team !
Hiei ( points sword at Mikagami ) : Hey! You! Other pretty boy ! Gimme back my cool one liners of arrogance! That’s my attitude you have there, and my weapon of preference, the sword! And you ( to Recca ) Why do you have the power to summon dragons?! It should be exclusively mine! That’s MY dragon concept! And you! WOMAN! ( To Fuuko ) why should some ditz get my speed?!
Kaoru: ( to Hiei ) : Aw, what a whiner. Why do I gotta to fight some paranoid loser?
Hiei: Hey! Who are you calling-! (squints eyes dangerously and looks Kaoru up and down ) …. You’re… you’re taller than me….
Kao: Aw, maaaan. Just my luck. I’m fighting someone as tall as Ganko.
Demi: Save it for later guys!
Koto: Let’s explain how this goes first!
Demi: Okay, now each pair of combatants gets their own arena. In each arena there will be a few videocams recording the fight. All we have to do is switch channels. There are screens every arena, so anyone can communicate with the other team members. Got it? So are we ready?
Koto: Let’s get on with the first round! Switch on to the main event !
Yusuke Vs. Recca
Yusuke: You know. My hair turns longer as I grow more powerful. I get increased strength. ( cracks knuckles )
Recca ( loosens limbs for fighting ) : Yeah ? Well I got these nifty tattoos. Every time I gain I dragon, I get a new tattoo.
Yus: Big deal. I get those too when I grow the hair.
Recca ( yells ): I GOT 8 DRAGONS !
Yus ( yells back ) : AND I GOT 8 REIGUNS!
Recca: Nadare! Saiha! Himura-!
Yus: REIIIII GUN!!!!
Demi: Yeah! Now this is what audiences have been clamoring for!
Koto: Fight! Fight ! huh-? ( the tv screen suddenly switches to Kurama and Miikagami’s arena )
Demi: ( Bangs remote ) It won’t respond!
Koto: Never mind! What’s happening over here?
Kurama Vs. Mikagami
Kurama : Oohh, me oH my , oH by golly. Tsk tsk tsk. A cold man.
Kurama: You know, I’m quite good with dealing with you so- called arrogant bad boy types * winks at where hiei’s screen is* Veeeryy good indeed.
Kurama: ohhhh yes. We red heads also happen to look veeeryYYY good with your kind of guys… * winks at Fu *
( Tokiya punches at Kurama and from the giant tv screens, out pop Fuuko and Hiei’s fist for all three to bash Kurama. )
Hiei: Hey! What are you saying over there?! And you! Other pretty boy! I want my attitude back!
( still from tv screen ) Kaoru : This really bites. Why do I gotta fight someone smaller than me?
Hiei VS. Kaoru
Hiei ( to Kao) : I’m taller! I AM ! AND I have a cool third eye! What do you have, huh? Huh? ( poke poke )
Kao: I got this 5 transformation Kougan Ankhi!
Hiei: Well I’VE got hair with spikes that defy gravity ever more than your’s EVER will!
Kao: You also turn green. Sea sick wimp! What kind of transformation is THAT?! Nauseous mode?!
( screen switches to yanagi and Keiko )
Yanagi Vs. Keiko
Yan: … yes, he calls me hime! How embarrassing! It really is! How about you? Any silly pet names your Yusuke has for you? I’m sure you must get so many!
Keiko ( thinks of Yusuke calling her ‘bitch’ , and ‘stupid’, and ‘ stupid bitch ‘ ): Oh… no.. ahhaha.. Nope.. none at all..
Yan: oh! You are so very lucky! It really is embarrassing to be called ‘ hime’ all the time!
Keiko: … …. You know, my hair grows just as long as yours near the end of the series, with about the same cut as yours…
Yan: Oh! Yes! You’re right! We even have identical hair colors! Tell me, do you go prefer chestnut brown, or nutty butter brown, or chocolate brown with gold highlights, or…
( screen switches to Mikagami and Kurama )
Kurama: My weapons are cooler. It emits the smell of roses. AND I turn to an even prettier boy with kawaii fox ears.
Mika: So what. MY ensui is able to hack any sort of horticulture you throw at me. AND I have different hairstyles enabling me to look better.
Kur: I’m smarter! And more mature!
Mika: Am not!
Kura: Are too !
Fuuko VS. Shizuru
Fuuko( throws Fuujin in corner and rolls up sleeves ): Wouldn’t be fair with Fuujin.
Shizuru: I’ve had practice beating Kuwabara up. You should be a breeze. (sneer )
Fuuko ( pun not lost on her ): Great. I’ve had the same kind of target practice with Domon.
Shizuru & Fuuko ( sharing same mental thought ): Those 2 idiots!
Recca: MYYYY father happens to be king of the ninja clan!
Yus: Well MYYYYY father happens to be king of the BIGGER, BADDER, de-MON WORLD! So there!
Recca: Yeah, but MINE had two wives! Two women! Count ‘em! TWO! Wo-MEN!
Yus: Oh yeah ? Well that’s about how many meals my dad’s had for breakfast!
Recca: HwooOO! ( Bruce Lee yell )
Yus: HiEEE!! ( Karate Kid stance )
( Recca pounces on top of Yusuke, pulling on leg. Then Yusuke on top of Recca, strangling recca , thunking head. Big fight cloud )
---->they’ve exhausted their super power energies.
Mikagami VS. Kurama
Mika: Well how about comparing our dramatic entrances then?
Kurama: Fine! Let’s!
Mika: Do YOU have your own background music? I happen to have my own tragic classical theme song every time the series mentions my sister and my TRAGIC past.
Kurama ( brushes hair suavely ) : No,but my hair’s prettier. See this vibrant healthy red color? See this healthy sheen? YOUR’s is some ugly dull mucky gray. Ew, it shouldn’t even DEFINED as a color.
Mika: It’s SILVER. And ladies happen to love it that way.
Kurama: Silver?! HAH! Who are you kidding? It’s GRAY. With tinges of fungi green. Now when I turn to the lovely YOUKO, now THAT’s silver.
Mika: You mean white.
Mika: No, MINE’s silver!
Kura: You GRANNY!
Mika: WHITE HAIRED NANNY GOAT!
Mika: PLANT PERVERT!
Mika: CLOSET HOMO!
Kurama (stamps feet ) : GRANNY GRANNY GRANNY GRANNY GRANNY!
(grab and pull each other’s hair )
Mika &Kurama: WIGS?!
( screen switches to outside ring )
Hanabishi VS. grown up Koenma
Demi: Hey, what is this?! These people aren’t even IN the fight.. What are they doing?!
Hanabishi: Hey. You got a pacifer. Cool. I got one too. See? ( brings out cig )
Koenma: It’s not exactly a pacifier, you know…
Hanabishi: What is that? Gum? Nah, boy your age shouldn’t still be into that chewing gum crap. Here. Take some of this. Make yourself a man!
Koen: No, thank you I-!!! ( the minute his mouth opens, a cigarette is forced into his mouth )
Koen: Oh. Oh my. (cough Cough )
Genkai VS. Kagerou
Kag: Move over old biddy. Retirement time for you.
Genkai: Hey, who you callin’ old? YOU’RE older than me! You’re at least 400 years old!
Kagerou: Yeah but at least I don’t look it!
Genkai: I’ll have you know that I used to look like this! ( turns to pretty pink haired young girl ) Aren’t I gorgeous?
Genkai: Rei GUN!
Kga: Shoot all you want! I’m immortal! HAG!
Mokuren VS Toguro Ani
Toguro Ani: Mwehehehh.
( Blip )
Domon VS Kuwabara
Kuwabara: ( heated debate ) No, YOU got stupider looking hair tomato man!
Domon: Like you should talk, Carrot top!
Kuw: Flaming Moron!
Domon: No, that guy is over there ( points to recca )
Recca: HEY! Whose side are you on anyway?
Domon: I can’t help it! This guy’s traitorous ways are catching!
Kuw: Ex-CUSE me??! Since when have I ever betrayed my YYH gang? You… you OX! What’s with the nose ring?! Huh? MOO! MOO!
( Blitz )
Kurama VS. Mikagami
( Kurama and Mikagami are sitting on the floor with arms around each other’s shoulders. Lots of empty sake bottles around and in hands. Their wigs are more than a bit out of place )
Demi: Hey, what is this???
Koto: No alcohol is supposed to be allowed!!!
Mika: I… I feel like such a FAKE *hic*
Kura: No, no, I’m the one that *hic* feels like such a heel.. I’m.. I’m nothing more than a low down lying CHEAT!! *bursts in tears * Boo hoooo hooo!
Mika: ( pats shoulder of Kurama ) : Naw, naw, it’s all right. Here, have another drinkie poo! Ever’tin *hic* all righty in no timey!
( sake is brought out)
( clink bottles together )
kura: Kuh.. Kampai!
Mika: Ch- Cheers! Kuh... Kuh-m Pie
( glug glug glug )
Kura: So…Sho how many times have you been mistaken for a girl?
Mika: *hic* Too many I’m afraid.
Kura: you said it buddy…
Mika: Mmmm… what do you use for your.. yer *hic * hair Kurama?
Kura: Oh, this and that… only the purest natural extracts from plants.
Mika: Ohhhh.. it really does have such a healthy sheen! Maybe I could go ashk Mo-kuren.. real nicely… for advice…
Kura: Yeah, its –whooUUUPs!
( wig falls off ) Oh, no! There’s a red tarantula on the floor! ( feeling
alcohol effects ) EeeKK ! It’s multiplying! Quick! Kill it! Kill
( both start pounding and stomping floor hitting the other “tarantulas “ but missing the real one )
( ZZBbTtt! )
Kondo VS Pu
Kondo: Stupid bird! You look so stupid!
Kondo: Can’t do anything can ya!
Kondo: Can’t even speak right! Haw haw haw! Nywah nywahhh!
Pu: PUUUUUU! ( angry pu )
Kondo: I eat chicken for dinner!
( turns to giant pu )
Kon: Oh oh. Mommy.
( Vsssht )
Suzuru VS Fuuko
Suzuru : Well there was this time when Kuwabara was SOOO dumb that..
Fuuko: That’s nothing! Why there was this time that Domon…
Suz: Kuwabara’s more pathetic!
Fuuko: No way! Domon’s got to be the worst! He’s already perfected it!
Suzuru and Fuuko: ( sigh ) Such a hopeless cause!
Domon VS Kuwabara
Domon: I make stupider faces! Nyehhhhh! ( lifts nose with two fingers of one hand, and lifts eyebrows with fingers of other )
Kuwabara: No I do! Beat this! Nyyyyah! ( squeezes cheeks so that eyes get streteched, cheeks get chubby puffy and mouth becomes like a goldfish )
Domon: ( makes another face ) Bllleeehhh…
Kuwabara: ( Makes another face ) Bllleh yourself!
( blllsTTT! )
Koenma VS Hanabishi
Koenma ( not wanting
to be outdone ) : I got well, um. I got this jetpack. Custom made. They
allow me to run away any time I want to ...
Hanabishi : Well I got fireworks. Strap ‘em on your back, say goodbye to your bum, and they work just as well! AND they leave a stream of pretty colors! Yours just pollutes! Hahahahha! Here ! Here! Have another cig! Have another cig! How ‘bout some Cuban cigars?
( arena just becomes a cloud of smoke)
( ZbbBLLT! )
Kurama VS. Mikagami
Mikagamki: and then.. *hic*and then… at the tender age of 10, my sister was tuh.. taken away from *hic* me… WAHHH! I lost my sis!!
Kurama: There there. ( pat pat ) I know how ex’shactly I would feel that way if I lost my mother.
Mika: Yeah? *hic* ( looks up to Kurama’s face ) Shay. You’re… you’re pretty cute * hic *
Kura: Yer not sho bad… yourshelf…
Mikag: I thought I’d nuh… n-never find anyone to love ash beeuti … .as beaut… ash very pretty.. ash me….
( Kurama sprouts roses at top of head. Mikagami has glittering snowflakes falling down. Screen suddenly blanks out Demi bangs sunny* tv remote )
Demi: Damn, the tv’s gone on the fritz! Ah! There! Got it to work again! … uh?! ( screen is empty. The two contestants are gone ) Where the hell did they go?!
Koto: … Probably making out in corner.
*it being Taiwan made and all.
( BlllztT )
( Kondo’s arena - he’s running around ring with big blue bird following him. A very angry blue bird that seriously wants a yellow fox pelt to save on dyeing cost. )
( Hanbisihi’s place outside arena- He’s hitting on Yukina then getting beat up by Kuwabara and Hiei ) .
Demi: Hey, hey! I think we just lost our last spectator…
Koto: Who the hell thought up of this?
Demi: Well it’s about time I started looking for a better job anyway…( brings out classified ads of newspaper )
Koto: You said it. ( shares paper )
( meanwhile… in the real world… )
Anzai Noboyuki Vs. Youshiro Togashi
Togashi: You DO know that people are always thinking that you’ve copied my work?
Tog: Well it’s not really. Original.
Anzai : So?
Tog: Er.. how to put this.
Anzai: I’ve seen your work. Your women don’t do squat. Just wait around for their man to do all the work and protect and crap. Can’t they do anything on their own?
Tog: Hey hey! What about your Yanagi? And I have Genkai!
Anzai: So an OLD lady?!
Tog: AND I’ve also got that chick that Chu likes and there was this time when Botan and Keiko were stuck alone in school and had to defeat a bunch of insect possessed people…
Tog: How dare you! You pervert! Taking every opportunity to touch a woman’s boobs and expose her chest! What’s so funny about THAT?!
Anzai: Hey! You usually let Yusuke expose Keiko’s underwear! Nothing Funny THERE either!
Tog: Excuse me??! I don’t have to take this from some HENTAI!
Anzai: SEXIST PIG!
( Fight cloud )